Loneliness was an echo chamber for my pain. Solitude began when the pain was over, when I loved myself and had healed.
As time went on, loneliness felt more as solitude, for one finds ways to cope. Yet to have real company of one who loves me, that would be sweet indeed.
They say once you have mastered being alone, you are ready for the company of others, that doesn't make it easy though. When everyone's life journey separated from my own, when the only heart beating in this house belonged to me, it wasn't something most could take. For there are days when the brain becomes a cold fire, perhaps that is what others call panic, but when you are alone, who are you going to call? I guess the good news is that in time, after many unpleasant days, you are okay. Then you find joy again, or maybe it finds you. After that, your journey can change, take on new and exciting adventures... I wish I could wave a magic wand for you who are alone, but there are somethings you must learn the hard way, my love.
This loneliness is a vice on my heart, squeezing with just enough pressure to be a constant pain. It kills me every day just a little bit more, taking what was once my inner light and replacing it with a darkness that overshadows each moment. It is the fuel of my nightmares, the reason I struggle to breathe when a new shock comes. Where is the limit? When comes the point at which dogs are called off and the help begins? Because I need to know; I really need to know.
When friends feel like paper chains in the rain and the sky holds nothing but the promise of more storms, life is lonely. When all I want is a hand to hold or an arm about my shoulders and none comes, the world becomes cold and empty, a slow poison for the soul. We are born to be loved and nurtured, and to do the same for others. We are born to be in tribes with social bonds that last a lifetime. It's times like this I wish I could melt in the rain like those paper people, fade away, anything to stop the ever-present pain.
Her friends were as vapid as the winter snow was cold. Their love extended only as far as a social media post, stopping abruptly at the pixellated screen. Their smiles were little yellow faces that stopped coming whenever her world fell apart, which was often. From their posts their lives were one constant party, wine and meals in fancy establishments. Every post fed her loneliness, hacked at the tenuous emotional connections she nursed. She used to only feel the cruel bite of isolation in crowds, now it followed her home, an ever present reminder that she was a failure on every front.
Loneliness was Keller's only dependable friend, there morning, noon and night. Cigarettes ran out, whiskey ran dry, but always the empty yawning persisted. Nothing ever touched it, not his love affairs or the bar room boys, and never the social media that was his constant poison.
Loneliness sounds like such an easy thing to fix: find a friend, reach out to someone who cares. Every time I try they recoil, unwilling to offer an olive branch of hope to the social leper, and so my anxiety deepens. There are nights it takes a hold of me. All I can do in those long black hours is find an enclosed place to shake until the tears subside and I can focus on the dawn light, breathe, drink water. It isn't simply a lack of company, though that's part of it for sure, it's a black hole that grows more powerful with every social snub. It threatens to swallow every part of me, bad and good, until all that's left is a human shaped shell too numb to feel the pain anymore.
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